Omnighost, Chapter 1: An Eternity In Duality

You know what sucks? I mean what really sucks? You spend three hours running through a dark city knowing you got two mafia hitmen right behind you. You hop over fences, run down alleys, duck behind cars, dodge behind buildings just to make it to your apartment. You close the door, lock it twice, and sit on the floor to catch your breath. You call your cat over to scratch it behind his ears. Then you hear a footstep and feel the cold silencer of a pistol find a nice resting place on the back of your head. That’s what really sucks. I don’t think anyone wants to die tired. I know I didn’t.

Seconds after I feel that gun on my head I was deeply disappointed. Not because I know I’m as good as dead. Don’t get me wrong, that’s no good news either. Growing up you hear that you get to see your life flash before your eyes right before you die. You get to relive the good times, the bad times, and those times forgotten. Quite honestly, I was looking forward to it. There were things from childhood that I’d like to see again. Too bad that’s just a bunch of bull shit. All I got to see is my cat, Kodiak, look up at me, let out a little mew. Then the room lights up from the flash of the gun for a split second. I see the dirty dishes piled up in the sink out of the corner of my eye and I’m gone. I guess that’s a sink full of plates that I don’t need to wash. I suppose death isn’t so bad after all.

The sound of the gun powder exploding made me flinch. Or maybe it was the bullet ripping through my brain. I opened my eyes and I’m sitting on a cloud. Not the kind of cloud my past drug use made me think I was sitting on. An actual cloud. I look up and notice I’m in both Heaven and Hell. See, there’s something else you’re lied to about. Heaven and Hell are in the same place. It’s just two different lines. One line for sinners, one line for saints. I’m sitting, just like I was at my apartment, right smack dab in the middle, light on the left side of my body, shadow on the right. I guess I’m in limbo. At least it’s scenic where I’m sitting.

On my left you got your Heaven. White fluffy clouds, the kind you try to find shapes in as a kid. Happiness and sunshine on that side, the whole nine. There’s also four people. Big people. Giants. Titans possibly. Like the ones in old mythology. The titans that ruled over the heavens. Or sat on mountains. Or whatever the hell they did. Whoever they are, they all have curly blonde hair and blue eyes. Swedish? Nah. Nice togas though. You got an older man with a crown, I guess he’s the king, God maybe. Could just be the security gaurd. The fuck if I know, this is my first day here. He’s sitting on a cloudy throne. Beside him is a woman with a crown. Must be the wife, not bad. I probably shouldn’t be thinking those thoughts considering where I am. I suppose a guy’s brain works the same way in the afterlife. Standing behind them are a younger looking guy and some chick. I guess that’s the prince and princess. I give them a nod.

Things aren’t as beautiful over on the right however. Dark clouds, and I mean dark. They look like piles of fluffy charcoal. Not the good kind of fluffy either. Fluffy like how your bed and blankets look when you’re dead tired and have to be at work in ten minutes. Evil fluffy. This side has a sun too, except its red. Not red as in a pretty sunset, red as in stained with blood. Lightning, thunder, the works. Four more people in some gothic armor over here. Straight black hair, grayish skin, red eyes. The right is definitely a smile-free zone. There’s the Prince and Princess of Hell behind the king and his throne. And he’s got his ball and chain next to him. Man, glad I don’t have to come home 10 minutes late for supper with that waiting for me. They got to be having some serious hate-sex to produce those precious little snowflakes standing behind them. I fake-tip my nonexistant hat at them and get on my feet.

So here I am, looking God and Satan, or reasonable substitutes, in the face, not sure how to break the ice. Two Jews walk into a bar? Nah, God probably isn’t for those kinda jokes. Maybe I should introduce myself. No. I want to move this party along.

“What the fuck am I doing here?!” I’m a simple and blunt kind of guy.

No answer. Please, please, please don’t tell me the service here is gonna be like at the DMV. I don’t want to be here for the rest of my… Oh, that’s right. I suppose I have time afterall.

After a few minutes of waiting they finally send a tour guide. Some white-haired old guy materializes about 100 yards away from me. I guess it was a materialization. I’ve never seen someone materialize, but he came out of no where, and starts walking towards me. He walks right down the border of Heaven and Hell with his hands folded behind him, wearing a robe. He stops about a foot in front of me. A little closer than I like them, but whatever. He puts a hand on each side of my face. Now it’s getting creepy.

“In this place, my son, you are like glass. Fragile. Transparent,” the guy calmly explains. “They do not answer you for fear that you may shatter.”

Glass, huh? I pull my head back. No offense, pops, but if some guy is gonna put his hands on my face I want a drink first, and a convertible.

“So what am I doing here?”

“You’re here because your mortal life has ended.”

“Yeah, no shit. I got shot in the head. I got that part figured out. But what am I doing here?”

“This is Duality, where the gods reside,” he says with a soothing voice. “When mortal lives expire, the soul drifts to either the afterlife of light, or the afterlife of darkness. Just where they go depends on the goodness of the soul. You however, as you said, are in limbo.”

“Wait,” I interrupt. “I never said I was in limbo.”

“Yes, but you thought it. Here thoughts are the same as words. Your thoughts are heard by everyone.”

“Um, did you all hear that thing…”

“Your thoughts about the King of Light’s wife?” He clears his throat. “Yes, we all heard that.”

I give Mrs. Light a nervous smile. Whoops. Well at least she knows that I think she looks good naked. I sure wish I would have been wearing a condom in that thought.

“So…” I say trying to pick out which of the thousand questions running through my head I want to ask next. “Why am I not on one side or another?”

“You see, Dante,” he knows my name at least. “You’re here because the gods are having a difficult time deciding where you belong.”

“Hmm… I stumped the almighty, all-knowing gods. Should I feel special?”

“If you wish. This is the first time in eternity that this has happened. So, yes, it is a special happening. Very much so.”

Uh-oh. Johnny Tour Guide here is getting awfully excited.

“Actually my name is Tamius.”

Yeah, thanks. Once in an eternity, that’s probably a big deal. With landing a one in infinity jackpot like this I should have played some roulette before I got popped. I could be a millionaire, you know, for a few hours before I died.

“How long is this gonna take?” I ask Tamius, or whatever he said his name is.

“Well, it’s hard to tell,” he starts. “They’ve been pondering this for hours now. No telling when they may reach a descision.”

“Hours? I’ve only been here for a few minutes.”

“Yes, but you’ve been dead for hours. Time on the mortal realm and time in Duality are two completely different things. There is no way to compare the two. Time here is both faster and slower than time where you’re from.”

It’s a good thing someone blew my brain out of my forehead because if I still had it, it’d be exploding right now.

“So these guys are trying to decide where I’m going. Why? Shouldn’t it be clear?”

“Oddly enough, no.” Tamius tells me.

I turn my gaze to him, expecting some bad news.

“You see there is a similar place like this in you,” Tamius explains. “Your own Duality. Each soul is filled with good and evil, right and wrong. Everything you’ve ever done in your life influenced the balance of your duality, even if it seemed neither right nor wrong. Even the tiniest things such as breathing. The gods have two lists that go on forever. On these lists are written a heirarchy of what is good, and what is evil. The Gods find the preservation of life the absolute best thing one can partake in. Afterall, the Gods’ greatest gift is mortal life. And as you may have guessed, the ending of mortal life is considered the most evil. Ending your own life is considered far worse than ending someone elses, however, both are rather bad.”

“Well I didn’t kill myself. So I should be good right?”

“Not neccessarily. You have done plenty of bad in the last mortal year of your life. Drugs, crime, sex, greed, worst of all, murder, the taking of mortal lives.”

Oh, yeah, there’s that. I could fell the mood begining to sour.

“I’m going to hell then?”

“I do not know for sure,” Tamius sighs. “While the past year of your life has been full of evil, the last week of your life was full of exceptional good. I’m sure you remember Candelaria Trevino.”

The little girl. What the fuck was I thinking? I remember her. Her face. The look she gave me, holding her teddy bear, as I pointed a magnum at her. I’ve never been that scared before. Not even when I had that gun digging into my skull. I can’t imagine what was going on in her head at the time.

“You didn’t pull the trigger. That’s what’s important. You decided the preservation of life was more important than your greed. You gained tremendous ground in the good half of your duality that night, Dante. The few days later you made more progress in bettering yourself by preserving your own life.”

“It wasn’t anything good. I was running from hitmen. I was being a coward.”

“No, you were making sure you stayed alive. It was a very brave thing. That almost evened your good and evil out.”

“I thought you said I was evened out inside,” I said, staring the King of Darkness in the face but talking to Tamius. “I ran from Valentino’s goons. That’s all I did for the last week of my life. What did I do to even it out?”

“Do you remember what you were doing in the few seconds before your death?”

“I was petting Kodiak, my cat.”

“Your cat missed you. To the Gods, all life is precious, no matter what life it is. From humans to mosquitos. While it may seem that it was just a scratch behind the ear to you, it was the littlest bit you needed to even out your duality. You are, were, all the cat had in its life. You left it alone for two days. That scratch behind the ear meant a lot more to Kodiak than you could possible fathom.”

I miss Kodiak already. For five years that damn calico was the only constant I had. Ugh. I can’t be getting teary eyed over a cat can I? Back to business.

“What now?” I asked. “The Gods just flip a coin. Heads; I’m in heaven. Tails; I’m fucked?”

“The Gods of good and evil are debating your punishment and reward now. It could take another hour, a week, a year. It might even take an eternity to figure out what they’ll do with you. Nothing like this has happened before, Dante. Whatever the Gods may decide, I’m sure it’ll be just.”

I have a feeling I’m going to be here for a long, long time. Maybe I should look for my parents’ spirits while I’m up here. Scratch that. My mom would kill me again if she found out I got involved with the mob.